...upright and locked positions

Do they really still need the "no smoking" light on airplanes? I mean, it's been at least twenty years since that was allowed, right? And why the hell can't I be leaning back in my seat when we're taking off/landing/crashing into Tempe Towne Lake?

Speaking of out dated announcements, they could probably do without the "beware, items stored in the overhead bin may have shifted during flight". If there is one thing that isn't moving during the trip, it's the luggage that's been stuffed into the overhead bins. Especially now that airlines have started charging as much as $50 for two checked bags. Think they're really making that much extra money? Consider this, on a flight from O'Hare to Madison there were at least fifteen bags that had to be checked at the gate. Think any of those were charged the "checked" fee? How could they have been?

In all honesty, I love flying. The options are limitless. I can get to the gate early and work on a laptop or read my Kindle. I can make friends in the terminal. I can learn all about the person next to me. Or I can fall asleep as soon as the plane taxis onto the runway. I find the last option especially useful.

My last flight was a wondrous adventure on United/TED. I had so much room I could have performed the River dance and thrown my hands in the air like I barely even cared. They served a delicious roast as part of a four-course five-star meal and finished it off with a pot brownie...talk about the mile high club! The flight attendants were pleasant young women that were easy on the eyes, not at all miserable dried up old piles of itchy skin just dying for their next shot of heroin. The captain was a jovial fellow that insisted every passenger get their turn in the cockpit and perform their choice of a barrel roll, loop-the-loop, or nosedive. Billy Idol was even on board. He helped another passenger re-connect with his love interest then performed live right on the plane with this fellow who I guess was some sort of singer. Oh, looks like we're approaching our destination. Time to come out of the clouds, Reality Runway is straight ahead. Time to end this dream and return your seats and tray tables to their...