Wednesday, December 31, 2008


So long!
We wish you well.
You told us how you weren't afraid to die.
Well so long.
Don't cry.
Or feel too down.
Not all martyrs see divinity.
But at least you tried.

--Eulogy by Tool

Let this be the ode to 2008. I'm not familiar with harsh language or the proper method of wielding it, but I have to get this out; 2008, I don't like you. Go away. Stephen Colbert brings a frightening prospect to light with this Threat Down. In short, the International Earth Rotation and Reference System Service has announced the addition of another second to 2008 to "keep clocks in synch with the Earth's rotation". 2008, I don't know if you heard this before and if you did then you're a bigger dick than I thought, but please, Go. Away. There's even a big party planned for your send-off tonight. The whole world will be celebrating. That's how much nobody wants you around. Of course, you'll probably find someway to stick around through the first quarter and possibly even the second of Oh Nine, but I, and everyone else are here now to warn you, don't mess with '09. We're not sure if we like this new kid yet or not, but we're willing give them a chance rather than put up with your constant expectoration on all things we enjoy. Bon Voyage '08. Hopefully we'll look back on all this and fondly reminisce about the time we went slumming. Hopefully.

2009, welcome. You have some small expectation shoes to fill. Just don't kill our friends or economy or soldiers or housing markets or auto industries or financial institutions and we should get along just fine. To everyone else; I hope you've had a good year and will raise a glass with me in send off of the past one (we shant mention its name). Happy New Years guys!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Season's Happy Holidays Greetings Christmas!

I went to the store today to purchase wrapping paper because, I guess that's what people do this time of year, purchase wrapping paper. I'm not 100% on the reasoning behind it, but I think it has to do with capitalism and open source markets or something. Also, the store didn't have any presents left for me to buy for people, so everyone on my list this year is getting wrapping paper, and not nice, rolled-up-on-a-tube wrapping paper either, I'm going all out and turning the wrapping paper into tastefully designed origami...boulders. Merry Christmas! I found some very pleasant looking paper, green with nice gold lettering that said Merry New Happy Christmas (I think it was in the clearance bin for a reason). Very plain, simple the kind of wrapping paper that would make a great gift crumpled up into an origami boulder. Or so I thought. That's about the time I got home and You Guys! The gold lettering was glitter! Not cool wrapping paper marketing team, not cool. Now it looks like they filmed an episode of The Girl Next Door at my complex. The stuff did NOT stay contained in my little one bedroom. It is, quite literally, everywhere. Like, I hadn't even been to the office today and I went in to wish the staff a Merry Christmas and there was already glitter when I got there! Seriously, you guys, if you have any enemies that you would like to give christmas presents to, I suggest wrapping them in paper that is covered in glitter. Talk about sinister.

I'm off to plug in all my electronics that'll be making the trip with me tomorrow to the Windy (and I presume at this point Frozen Solid) City. I've been seeing headlines all day like "Thousands stranded in O'Hare" and "O'Hare cancels over 100 flights". These are not good headlines to read when one is traveling to O'Hare in less than twelve hours =\

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Like father, like son

The older I get the more and more I'm convinced I'm destined to become my parents. Both of them. Thanks to the combination of genetics and a malleable young mind I have the laissez-faire attitude of Pops and have a love for (and of) annoying family members like Ma. I even found myself loudly commenting, with no one around, on the situation playing out on my tv screen (classic Dad behavior). And just last week I found myself advising my sister to do her homework as opposed to going out (vintage Mom). Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. They made me who I am. Without question. But that knowledge makes me wonder who I'll become. Will the next generation see me as socially conservative as I see my parents? What is the natural progression of social values anyway? Is there one? Anyway, I'm becoming more of a cantankerous old man every Mom.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

and then I found five bucks!

The recurring theme this week seems to be randomness (think people showing up at your cube saying such things as, "How's it going, Doug?" or all my clocks needing to be reset) and as such, we pen this homage to some of the more persistent random uprisings like:

What ever happened to bird flu? or SARS? Weren't they supposed to be the end of the world? Or was that Mad Cow, weird birthmarks, or diabetes? Maybe it was some other communicable disease, who knows.

I'm fairly certain at this point that my bike has some crazy-magical powers. It's most impressive being it is both a conversation starter and killer, generally it goes something like this.
"Man, traffic was a bear coming in and parking was a cougar. Where do you park?"
"Oh, I ride my bike."
"That's cool, so you leave your car at home?"
"No, I don't own a car."
"Oh, that's neat, well, I'm going to go over here and discuss with colleagues modes of transportation that involve engines and, likely, more than two wheels. Hasta"
Other powers the bike has are barely worth mentioning like its ability to travel almost 4 miles in 5 minutes (what time is it anyway?) or the invisibility I'm granted as soon as the cheeks envelope the seat (how else can I explain NO ONE SEEING ME). You hear it all the time 'he came out of nowhere, honest' Well, he came out of nowhere because he was riding a bike that made him formica'n invisible!

Twice in the past week I've shampoo'd my hair without getting it wet first. The most embarassing/funny/odd part is that it took the better part of three minutes to figure out what was going on the second time I did it. It was early. Leave me alone.

I woke myself up the other day because I rolled over to hit the throttle on a space ship that could do light speed and would put me forty-seven years into the future in nineteen seconds. The day went downhill from there.

I woke up once sometime last week, went through the morning routine - breakfast, teeth, vitamin, made lunch, drank water, started riding my bike to work and realized I wasn't that cold then woke up...about forty minutes late...and I was cold. The day went downhill from there.

I woke up Monday. The day went downhill from there.

Anyone reading this should be stoked for fantasy baseball and should want to play with me only to be part of the coolest league name in the history of fantasy baseball leagues...that I have commissioned.

If your boss says something like 'hey, heard you applied for that job that opened up, that's great, if you need a reference let me know, I'd be glad to do it', is that a good thing, or a bad thing? Now that that application is sure to get torpedoed I guess it's time to send off the rest of the apps. That sucks, I kinda wanted that job too, oh well, c'est la vie.

Oh yeah, I'm trying to teach myself French. So far so, um, bon?

Sometimes I think QC and qwantz are spying on me. Not all the time, but there are moments where it's like, "Hey, I just thought that not fifteen seconds ago!"

My fantasy football team is better than yours. The End.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

The Road Home

From Oct Wis 08

'Tis the time of year that many people's thoughts turn to family, vacation, travel, or GIGANTIC HOUSES they want their parents to buy them for Christmas. I am no exception, though I hold no delusions regarding my parents' mansion-purchasing ability. For the past several years I have found myself antsy at the prospect of a new calendar, and so far this year is no different. Whether it's skimming down the slopes of A-Basin, having a snowball fight, or curling up in some sort of Bears paraphernalia reading a book and drinking cocoa, my mind has taken its leave.

The real challenge looks to be maintaining sanity when Spring arrives and the rest of the country defrosts, flowers, and blooms, and holding on to the last shred of motivation I have to go to school. I don't mean to sound as if I don't enjoy this time of year. I do. I really do. It is a time to reflect on all that I have; a job, good friends (even if they all sound as if they're leaving), plenty of food, supportive family. It's especially nice to have a family connection. While I hear everyone else complain about spending time with their family, I look forward to spending as much time as I can with mine. Yeah, they're loud and obnoxious, but they're smart and entertaining too...and they make some pretty tasty eats to boot. I always look forward to The Road Home.

From Oct Wis 08