Words of Wisdom

Ever been chatting aimlessly with a group of friends when you hear yourself spit out some advice and you think, "Wow, I should really give that a shot, that's some good advice"? I do. All the time. Why? I haven't the slightest idea. I suspect it has something to do with me being a complete idiot, or maybe it's the Persistent Head Trauma Theory. What is it about being on the outside looking in that makes it so easy to diagnose our friends' problems, but makes it so difficult for us to stop rationalizing and listen to our own advice?

On the topic of eloquent speech I don't know what happened but somewhere along the road I lost the ability to form coherent small talk sentences. This loss is most noticeable around attractive women, but it also manifests itself in everyday conversation with friends, co-workers, and gym acquaintances. Some of the more entertaining tidbits;
at the mailbox of my complex a young woman says
"Geez, they stuff twenty pounds of junk mail and two pieces of mail I actually need"
The response?
"Yeah they really keep the recycling business in...business". Smooth.
Conversation with my ridiculously hot neighbor after a night of drinking
"Man, I'm just counting down the hours until I'm home in bed"
Thoughts Mr. Suave?
"Yeah, me too"
"I mean, my bed, not your bed."
"Not that it isn't a comfy bed. I mean it felt nice that one time I sat on it."
.
.
.
"Um, I'll talk to you later...I'm going to bed."
Discussing the upcoming vote for Prop 102 (defining marriage) with some co-workers
"If you were gay wouldn't you want the same rights as straight people"
And?
"Psh, I'm only gay in my dreams"

I'd seek out a speech therapist but I think it's likely I'd just make inappropriate comments about how 'therapist' breaks down into 'The Rapist'.